The Miscarriage Guide™
A Miscarriage Guide for Women
because we can’t keep sending them home empty-handed
* No doctor ever fully prepared me for this. I wish they would have. *
I am not a medical professional.
I went to state college and earned a below average GPA. The following is a guide that I wish I had been given as woman who has lost six pregnancies. Again, I didn’t go to medical school, nursing school, or pursue a career in the medical field— so please do not misinterpret this guide as medical advice. This is not medical advice.
But some things just aren’t taught in a classroom, ya know?
#1. You will survive this.
First of all, this is not your fault. Not one bit. It is unfair and cruel, but hear me when I say that you will survive this. You will survive this. Just because this is considered common doesn’t mean it is normal or easy.
I’ll share with you what I have learned since I first said the words,
“I think I’m having a miscarriage.”
Six recitations later, I can tell you what to do during a miscarriage—or at least, what I wish someone had told me.
Miscarriage and infertility—even recurring pregnancy loss like mine, are women’s health issues that are not openly discussed inside a doctor’s office. Going to the OBGYN was supposed to be about sonograms and regular check ups, not bloodwork, testing, infertility, failed IVF, or surviving a miscarriage.
Here, I hope to provide you with the information that each woman should be aware of when she leaves the doctor.
Think you’re having a miscarriage, but aren’t sure?
Consider the following:
Have your pregnancy symptoms gone away completely?
Boobs are no longer tender and sore? You’re not nauseous around food or smells any longer, you’ve stopped vomiting.
You’ve noticed light pink, yellow, brown, dark brown, dark red discharge or blood when you go to the restroom or in your underwear.
Your cramps have gone from what feels like uterine stretches (think expanding so a baby can grow) to sharp or dull cramps that feel more like a period cramp.
You are experiencing pain in your lower back.
Is your urine dark and foamy?
You have seen your physician and they can’t find a heartbeat.
What comes next?
If this is your first miscarriage you should call your doctor to let them know what you’re experiencing. Emergency Room’s, on-call doctors, on-call nurses should (but may not always) be able to provide information. Some medical professionals will show kindness, others will be very desensitized to your experience and hurt. Most doctors should see you right away to check your HCG levels.
You will experience blood loss. A lot of blood loss.
I’m not talking a heavy period; I’m talking blood loss like you are losing a baby. Medical professionals do not prepare women for the amount of blood they will lose. It will be a lot. Cramping will turn into labor pains. You may feel an urge to push. Listen to your body, take deep breaths, and do not panic. Typically if you go through 2-3 pads in an hour, that is when you should call your doctor.
Blood clots may be the size of golf balls, baseballs, or larger. You will need to wear a pad, NO TAMPONS. Always Ultra Thin makes a pad in a size 5. It is the largest size they make that will cover you from front to back. You will need that extra coverage and several packs. You will be very tender in your pelvic and vaginal region for a while. Ice packs for the lady bits and a heating pad for the lower abdomen help tremendously.
Due to all the blood loss and hormones dropping rapidly, you may experience dizziness, faintness, heart palpitations, night sweats, nausea, vomiting, and vertigo. You know your body better than anyone else, the aforementioned symptoms are normal, but if you feel you’re on the verge of a medical emergency call 911 or go to the emergency room.
You will see things in the toilet.
This is the worst part. I wish someone would have warned me.
You will see fibers, clots, possibly cysts, and eventually your baby. You may see a uterine lining and depending on how far along you were, possibly your placenta. You could see pieces of flesh, even if you are in the first trimester.
I know many women who have picked up their babies to hold them, keep them, bury them, or send them to be cremated.
Most funeral homes in the United States will cremate 1-2nd trimester babies for free. However you choose to handle this moment is entirely up to you. I know some women, myself included, who have flushed their babies, some have kept them in the freezer, others have buried them in their garden, others have been cremated.
The choice is yours and there is NO wrong answer.
Also depending on how far along you were, you will need to give yourself a fundal massage on your uterus to encourage it to close. If this doesn’t happen you will experience labor pains again as your uterus shrinks back to a normal size. This is a vital piece of information that I needed, and I will forever be pissed that no doctor or nurse shared this with me.
My husband had to YouTube a video of how to do this so I would stop laboring. A nurse could’ve looked at me and taken 5 minutes to explain this. Like I said, forever pissed. I am fairly certain that the disconnect between the medical community and women who miscarry falls on the line of lack of postpartum care. Any woman who was pregnant and then is not pregnant, should always, always be considered & treated as a postpartum patient.
Your milk may attempt to come in.
If you feel cysts on your breast or feel like they have become engorged, you can place cabbage leaves in your bra and that will dry up the milk, you can place a heating pad on your chest if they are sore and take Tylenol, or if you have the means and the strength you can consider donating your milk to a milk bank.
If possible, try to have someone with you.
I have miscarried with my husband home and I’ve miscarried alone. Alone is a special kind of hell that I do not wish upon anyone. Inform your partner of all you need and if you have children don’t be afraid to ask a loved one to come pick them up for a day or so.
You will want a margarita but hold that thought.
Your hormones and cortisol levels are about to plummet. Visit your doctor first to make sure your HCG levels have gone back to zero. Then, by all means, treat yourself like you are on a Carnival Cruise after a bitter divorce battle, and you just stole all your cheating husband’s life savings. Cheers.
Protect your peace.
Take your time to delete all pregnancy tracker apps, unsubscribe from emails, mailing lists, inform your insurance provider, and unfollow any accounts or people who will make you feel worse during this time. Draft a general message from you and your partner to send out to family and friends informing them or have someone you trust tell your people for you if you can’t do it yourself. Do not feel guilty or ashamed for setting up solid boundaries for yourself at this time. Don’t want to go to your friends baby shower? Don’t go. Don’t want to go to a certain section of Target because you have to pass the baby section. Don’t go.
Your partner will hurt too.
Never like you, never at the same time, but show grace to them too. Be patient with each other and consider journaling, writing your baby a letter, or taking a walk to process your emotions.
Welcome anger with open arms.
I’ve never known rage until I lost my babies. You’re going to want to scream and cry so hard you wonder if you will ever stop. You will become very familiar with jealousy, rage, anger, depression, mood swings, and an overall f*** it attitude that is both refreshing and needed. Do not bottle up these emotions. Feel them, enjoy them, process them, and then when you’re ready—press onward.
Find community and counseling.
There are many forums, social media accounts, counselors, and threads online waiting to help you. I’m devastated that the American medical system is not one of those resources, most of the things you will find that help are from women who have experienced this themselves. This community of women will carry you until you’re strong enough again to carry yourself. If you experience suicidal thoughts (normal after losing your baby) please tell a loved one or a medical professional.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number is 1-800-273-8255
You’re loved. You will survive this. I’m always here to chat.
All my love,
BH